you should probably learn to say NO

thoughts on people pleasing how you may be able to handle it

Some months ago (I had always wanted to write this, lol), I pushed out my first write up on substack where I talked about merchant thinking, about making profits, about gains and losses. And over some time, it got me thinking on why we are sometimes or better still most times are unprofitable. I think it’s because we don't know how to say NO.

It's that simple and that complicated at the same time.

the uncomfortable truth about boundaries

Tbh, I wasn't always able to say NO myself until I found it hard not to. More recently I learned how that it's important to set boundaries. It's important to be tough and dangerous and prolly be disliked at first than to be easy to walk all over. You don't want that tbh, no one does.

There's something almost painful about watching someone get walked over repeatedly. You know the type: always available, always accommodating, always saying yes to everything and everyone. They're exhausted, overwhelmed, and often resentful, but they keep doing it because they think saying no makes them a bad person.

I used to be that person. The guy who would take on extra tasks at work even when I was already drowning. The friend who would drop everything to help others even when I had crazy deadlines screaming at me. The one who thought being helpful meant being available 24/7, no matter the cost to my own peace or productivity. The Nice guy, lmao.

What I didn't realize then was that I wasn't actually being helpful. I was being unprofitable and I wasn’t truly being a friend. And when you're unprofitable long enough, you eventually have nothing left to give anyone.

saying no is not about being selfish

To say NO is not necessarily to choose you. It doesn't mean you're being selfish either. What it means is that you're considering what will be the best choice. And many times, the best choice is never comfortable.

This is where most people get it wrong. They think boundaries are about self-centeredness, about putting yourself first at the expense of others. But that's not what's happening when you say no strategically. You're making a calculated decision about where your resources, your time, energy, and attention will create the most value.

quitting is often a great strategy, a smart way to manage your life and your career - Seth Godin, The DIP

Btw, just think about it like this: every yes you give is an investment. And like any good merchant, you want to make sure your investments are profitable. Not just for you, but for everyone involved. When you say yes to something you don't have capacity for, you're setting yourself up to deliver subpar and mediocre results. That helps no one. I recently picked up The DIP by Seth Godin and in it he said and I quote: “quitting is often a great strategy, a smart way to manage your life and your career” and he’s right! When you choose to quit(in this case, saying NO) things which do not favour your path, you make room for those things which do and that’s how you become the very best!

Research in psychology shows that people who have difficulty setting boundaries often struggle with what's called "emotional labor". This is the mental effort required to manage other people's feelings and expectations. This emotional labor is exhausting and, when excessive, leads to burnout and resentment.

The irony is that by trying to please everyone, you often end up pleasing no one, including yourself.

the merchant's approach to decision making

Saying no is not weakness, saying NO is not strength either. It's how you think like a merchant. Deciding which products to go for and damning the rest, leading your trade with no regrets.

Every successful merchant understands opportunity cost. When you choose to invest in one thing, you're automatically choosing not to invest in something else. The question isn't whether both options are good - the question is which one is better for your overall portfolio.

Your life is your portfolio. Your time, energy, and emotional capacity are your capital. And just like any good investor, you need to be selective about where you put your resources.

When someone asks you to take on a new commitment, you're not just evaluating that single request in isolation. You're evaluating it against everything else you could be doing with that time and energy. You're asking: will this commitment move me closer to my goals, or further away from them?

This isn't cold or calculating. It's honest (brutally so). It's recognizing that your resources are finite (man is ephemeral after all) and treating them with the respect they deserve.

when to deploy the power of no

The deadline is too short? Say no. Your partner is really being impossible (We may need to define this)? Say NO. Your boss is asking you to do things outside the bounds of what you're willing (notice I didn't say what you're employed for, doing more is good as long as you're willing), say NO.

These aren't abstract scenarios. These are the daily moments where boundaries matter most.

When a colleague asks you to cover their work for the third time this month, and you already have plans with your family or your partner. When a friend or some acquaintance wants to borrow money again even though they still haven't paid you back from last time. When someone invites you to an event you genuinely don't want to attend, but you feel guilty about declining.

Each of these moments is a choice point. You can either honor your own boundaries and say NO, or you can abandon them and say yes. But here's the thing about boundaries - every time you violate your own, you teach people that they don't need to respect them either and this is really dangerous.

It's like being a merchant who keeps selling products at a loss because you feel bad charging what they're actually worth. Eventually, you go out of business, and then you can't help anyone.

the problem of yes addiction

Most of us have been conditioned to be yes-people. We're taught from childhood that saying no is rude, that helping others is always good, that being needed makes us valuable. These aren't necessarily wrong messages, but they become problematic when taken to extremes.

There's actually a psychological concept called "people-pleasing" that describes this compulsive need to say yes to others' requests. People-pleasers often struggle with fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and difficulty recognizing their own needs as valid.

The interesting thing is that chronic yes-saying doesn't actually make you more likeable in the long run. Research shows that people respect those who have clear boundaries and stick to them. When you say no thoughtfully and consistently, others learn to value your yes more highly.

the compound effect of boundaries

I still strongly believe that folks who say NO, avoid more issues and lead and live more quieter lives. Since we're more likely to say YES anyway.

This is the part that took me longest to understand. Saying no isn't just about the immediate situation - it's about the precedent you're setting. Every time you say yes when you should say NO, you're training people to expect that from you. You make them think sure it’s okay to do XYZ, Jhoe (insert your name) won’t mind, lmao. Whereas when you say NO, they go: Jhoe (insert your name) doesn’t appreciate this in the slightest! It’s first conscious and then subconscious.

But every time you say no thoughtfully and kindly, you're training people to respect your boundaries. You're also training yourself to value your own time and energy appropriately.

Think of it as compound interest, but for boundaries. Each small act of saying no when appropriate builds your capacity to make better decisions in the future. Each time you honor your own limits, you get stronger at recognizing and maintaining them.

The alternative, constantly saying yes to everything, creates a different kind of compound effect. Stress compounds. Resentment compounds. Exhaustion compounds. Eventually, you hit a breaking point where you either burn out completely or start saying no in angry, destructive ways.

practical wisdom for the recovering yes

If you're reading this and recognizing yourself as someone who struggles to say no, here's some practical advice:

• Start small. You don't need to become a boundary-setting expert overnight. Begin with low-stakes situations where saying no feels manageable.

• Buy yourself time. When someone makes a request, it's okay to say "Let me think about it and get back to you." This gives you space to consider whether the commitment aligns with your priorities.

• Offer alternatives when possible. Instead of just saying no, you might say "I can't do X, but I could help with Y instead." This maintains the relationship while honoring your boundaries.

Remember that NO is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation for every boundary you set. "I won't be able to do that" is sufficient.

final thoughts

In the end, learning to say no is about understanding the true cost of your yes. It's about recognizing that your time and energy are valuable resources that deserve to be invested wisely, not given away carelessly.

When you say no to the wrong things, you create space to say yes to the right things. The DIP goes really deep (pun intended) on this. You create capacity for the commitments that actually matter, the relationships that truly nourish you, the work that moves you forward.

This isn't about becoming a selfish person who never helps anyone. It's about becoming a strategic person who helps more effectively by helping selectively.

The world doesn't need another exhausted, overwhelmed person who says yes to everything and delivers mediocrity. I know, I don’t. What we need is more and more people who say no thoughtfully so they can say yes powerfully when it really matters.

That's all for today, Until next time NO?

Jhoe.